I want to take a moment to chat about body dysmorphia. To some extent we all have it, we choose to see what we want to see or what we expect to see. But it is a truly fascinating subject.
I can look in the mirror on two different days and see two totally different bodies. One that is the epitome of a heart attack, clearly the body of someone who has eaten nothing but cake. Another day, I will see a slim, youthful body.
Same body. Two different perspectives.
For me, it is greatly connected to my diet, if I am in a calorific deficit and I am eating clean foods, I see the beautiful, goddess like form in the mirror and I don't flinch when I look at myself.
If I ate a bit shit and consumed a few too many mini eggs, I see Queen piglet features herself.
But I wonder if its possible to ever look at ones body purely subjectively and I realize that is impossible. We cannot look at our bodies and not judge it based on our existing ideals that have been planted in our minds. Every time I look at my body, I judge it based on my pre-existing beliefs, which is why I have struggled with self love for so many years. Because I was brought up in a world that told be to believe that you are worthless until you are skinny. We can thank marketing, sales and the movie industry for that. It has taken a long time to unlearn this thanks to role models who are breaking these existing values that we learn from our parents, society, friends etc.
And no, I am not skinny, I was once and I found that no matter how skinny I was, I was never skinny enough. Because Skinny doesn't exist. It's an elusive concept that plagues the minds of young women and men, it's a gender neutral disease.
Skinny doesn't exist. You will never be skinny. Other people may took skinny, but you will never be skinny. Ever. Because skinny is a state of mind. A concept. A fluffy pink unicorn in a petting zoo. It’s not un-achievable but it is unattainable.
I know a lot of models relate to this as well, they get the worst of it because their livelihood depends on some arrogant assholes judgment of their body.
Which means, I choose to look at my body with a negative and critical view point. Which is a totally human things to do, we are analytical creatures who fight for survival. We are programmed to do that. Except my life doesn't depend on it so why am I choosing to do it.
If everything in life is a choice, why do I choose suffering?
The answer is, I wont anymore. I refuse to conform to unrealistic and uncompromising body standards set out by society and the media and I choose to tell everyone to fucking SUCK IT. Even if I have a bad day. I will fucking embrace who I am and I will do my best to be healthy. Not Skinny. Because I will be loved no matter what body shape I have, because its who I am that I and other people love. Not my killer abs. And I strongly advise, you do the forking same because like is fucking awesome when you give zero shits about what people think of you.
I had a revelation which really hit hard on this existing belief buried in my psyche when I met Izzy.
Izzy is the epitome of skinny, zero perfect body fat, beautiful beyond compare, she should have been on the faces of all those magazines. And I had the audacity to assume that she must have it all because she was skinny. Until she revealed to me that she was bullied all through school for being bulimic. Even though she wasn't, she's just built petite. She was told because she’s skinny, there must be something wrong with her. Bullying body types goes both ways. I know. Mind. Blown.
This was a revelation to me because, to be skinny to me, was to be invincible from self hate and doubt. Because that has always been the thing I have always hated the most, not being skinny. So to hear that made me go, holy shit. Skinny people aren't happy either.
So it doesn't make a difference what I do, being a particular body type wont make me happy.
Revelation number 2
I was tying to find happiness in a body type that didn't even exist. There’s a reason anorexia is classified has a disease.
So what was I trying to achieve my hating myself into going on endless diets? Did I want to be skinny or did I want to be happy?
The answer was Happy. I just wanted to be able to not obsess. To relax. To feel pretty. To feel Important and special like all those girls in the magazines.
Revelation number 3
No body type can give me that. If I wanted to feel loved, important and special, I would have to find it somewhere else and not in having the perfect body.
To me the perfect body meant:
All my problems would be over because people would give me stuff cause I was finally pretty.
I would be attractive and happy
Life would be a breeze
Oh, the easy way out you mean?
You may not know a lot about me but I can assure you, I have never had the easy way.
However, I choose to believe I always have, I feel very privilege because of my struggles. In fact, I have reached a point in my life where it’s perfect and it’s freaking me out.
If nothing else, the one thing I have learned in my years of being a fighter is the fight is what makes for the fun.
So armed with this new knowledge, I said to myself, if being skinny doesn't make you happy.. What are you going to do? Enter two solid years of learning to love my body, finding foods that make me happy (WHICH IS NATURAL FOODS), tried veganism which I loved and I just experimented. And everyday I say to myself, hey body, thanks for working. I love you. Even if society doesn't like you, I do and someday, I will find someone who appreciates you just as you are.
What changed?
Well.. I dated a lot of hot dudes. Because personality over body is true.
I traveled. I stopped obsession and put that energy into Travel
I started to think about other goals I have, like what I want more than just what people see when they look at me.
I saw my dream future and I went for it. I grabbed my back pack and I went. And places I have been. The things I have learned. The skills I gained instead of obsessing over my weight, I learned Auslan. I learned how to kill a man who was attempting to tackle me (KM is amazing, all women need to learn it). I got my dream job. I took leaps I never thought i'd take. And I feel pretty, important and special.
And I am so privileged to have learnt this lesson so young so that I can teach it to as many young women as possible. Do not hate yourself. It is the biggest waste of time and it is holding you back from your potential. Travel. Love yourself. You are your only you. And if people can't appreciate that, that is a reflection on them, not on you.
While body dsymorphia continues to plague me on a day to day basis, it's just like the demons that hide in the corners of our rooms when we were children, ready to gobble us up. Shine a light on them, show no fear and say to them, you can't stop me, I love myself and I am enough. You can't stop me. I can do difficult things. I am worthy. I am a Goddess.
If you have any stories or are struggling with looking in the mirror at your shit hot body, you give me a shout. The best part of my day is passing you the lantern to shine on your demons :)
#LoveYourself #BodyPositive
In case you we’re wondering about the photo, seeing that photo sparked this article. I looked at it and my instant reaction was I am so big and I am sure many people will have the same reaction. But equally, many people will look at me and say, holy crap, she’s so small.
But what none of them will see if a young lady, smashing her way through a workout, achieving more than anyone thought she would and still managing to annoy the photographer with her faces. They see a body, I see hard work, perseverance, my favorite move, the single arm overhead lunge and a lot of tenacity.