We all harbor unfavorable emotions from time to time, you got mad at Dean for eating your burrito and you’re still resentful. Or you are hyper anxious because you got a big bill you aren’t sure you are going to be able to pay and the panic is kind of setting in and you’ve been sat just being miserable for hours and not doing anything productive. Even you feel guilty for how you treated your ex partner 5 years ago because you were a young silly fool who didn’t know any better.
It happens to us all, I am going to explain to you the process of letting feelings go so you can move on. In short, This is a logical way to how to have emotional blow out.
Because something we are all really bad at, is letting go.
What do I mean by Clearing Negative Emotions?
We all have feelings and we love to just ignore them and hope they just go away but alas, they don’t, they metastasize and come out in other ways such as anxiety, depression, physical pain and mental health disorders, like eating disorders. This process is designed to help alleviate those clogged up emotions that are triggering anxiety etc so that you can feel lighter and happier. Therefore clearing those base fears and emotions that are blocking you from being happy is what I mean by clearing negative emotions.
The goal of this process is to feel what you feel, accept it and let it go. Not to pretend that it doesn't exist. We all know what happens when you ignore a child:
1. It gets louder, starts screaming and it breaks things.
2. It gets depressed, feels lonely and becomes despondent.
3. They go to therapy 10 years later about their struggles and traumatic childhood.
We respond the same. The emotion either gets loud and all consuming, you become depressed and down and then you bottle it up and it comes out anyway years later because repressing it has caused you to have back pain. (Seriously, when you emotionally repress, you tense up and then you get back pain)
Let’s go over the basics.
There are 6 main emotions that are holding you back from happiness.
Fear, Guilt, Shame, Loss, Denial, Connection
What this process does is actually make you face the emotion (reassure the child) and calm it down so you can continue on with your day with the child happily playing with blocks in the living room. This process is really freeing, I know when I am struggling my imagination can run wild is an understatement. We sit and torture ourselves with the What Ifs, Everyone Hates Me, This Could Happen even though none of it is even true and won’t actually happen. But we have no way to combat this wild imagination because no one ever taught us how, we more often than not, just wait it out until we are forced to face what is causing the problem.
This is an activity based exercise and there are so many different ways you can do this! Everyone is a different emotional processing machine so here are some ideas on ways you can do the exercise
1. Write it down, get a notepad and write out the process.
2. Think through the process. Just put this article down and think your way through it, it is a form of meditation.
3. Think you way through it via exercise. Go on a walk and go through the process with each emotion.
4. Talk it out with someone, sit someone down and go through the process and ask them to prompt you for deeper answers.
This process is broken down into a very simple structure:
You work out why you are really struggling, the real reason, the raw unfiltered petty, sadistic, honest reason. Don’t be afraid of who you are, you aren’t perfect.
Reassurance. You reassure yourself that you are safe and that what you are feeling will not kill you.
Corrective language. You correct the narrative in your head from negative to reassuring and positive.
Just so you know, this emotional balancing isn't balanced. They cover emotions that we need to address and let go of but you may find that while you feel a lot of loss, you don't feel a lot of guilt. Which means you can spend ages working through all your fears, but 2 minutes working on your guilt because you are guilt free! This process is fluid like your emotions so roll with it and see how you feel. Always start with Fear as that is the one we struggle with most and work your way up the chain, if you feel comfortable with one, say a reassuring line them move on
For example, if you don’t feel Ashamed of anything, just say “I am proud of who I am and my life” and move straight on to Loss. I know that I have rushed past a few because I know that I am really struggling with one particular thing but it is always good to clear all of these emotional blocks.
And NOW! Let’s get started!
Grab a notepad, find a cosy spot to just chill out where you feel safe and secure. Take a deep breathe and don’t be afraid of who you are, you are just a person and that is okay.
Fear.
This is the most common one because we feel fear on a daily basis.
We fear for our survival but in modern day, we aren't scared of tigers anymore. We are scared of answering the phone or what Brad from the office thinks of our hair do because he is Queen Bee and if you aren't in with him, You Aren't Alive. We fear for a loss of our social status, our house, what other people think of us. We are all just scared. All the time.
So the first one we need to face is fear and it needs to be faced a lot because most of the time (and this is key) it wont kill you.
Let’s start with putting it in perspective.
Grab a notepad and I want you to start a list of all the things you are scared of. I don't mean things like Bees and WW3. I mean the things you are emotionally scared of. Scared of loosing someone, scared of being judged or shouted at. I want you to make a massive list of the things you fear and then one by one write down how they aren't going to kill you.
Once they are out there and you know they won't kill you, you can begin to face them and let them go. We often forget how much we have been through in our lives that we often feel beat down and defeated. But we are the ones who have defeated so much. Don't let fear stop you doing anything. Feel the fear and do it anyway and you will realize just how un scary it actually is.
To summarize:
Identify what you are afraid of.
Why are you afraid of it? I mean REALLY why, no I Don't Knows or vague I Guesses. I want the deep meaningful "BECAUSE I AM AFRAID I WILL DIE ALONE AN OLD HAG BECAUSE NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME BECAUSE I AM TOO FAT" - Me dealing with my eating disorder 2014
Write down how it is not going to kill you and how it is absurd.
Then face it. Send that scary ass message. Do that scary activity. Face your fear knowing that you will still live to see another day.
For example:
I am afraid of eating half a slice of cheesecake
Because it will make me put on weight and I will be fat forever and no one will ever love me or find me attractive.
This cheesecake won't kill me and if someone doesn't like me for how I look, it is their loss. People will love me for what I look like and if they don't I have myself and I will love myself while I find someone else who will appreciate my body.
Eat the cheesecake, go on a dating site in a bikini and say THIS IS ME FOLKS, LIKE IT OR NOT, I Am Beautiful.
Guilt
We alllll feel guilty from time to time. It is actually more common than you think.
We feel guilty for being indulgent, spending time on ourselves instead of others so we just don't. We feel guilty for eating. For being ourselves. We feel guilty for the things we love (we all have a tv show that is our guilty pleasure #BorderControl) We feel guilty for betraying people even if it isn't intended. We feel guilty for things we did as stupid teenagers!
Guilt is the killer of pleasure.
When it comes to your guilty pleasures, it is time for you to take them out of the shame hut. Own it. Trust me. I did this, I took my shame TV Show and I went public and went I LIKE THIS SHOW and the world went What? ... *10 seconds past* .. Meh Whatever. No need to be ashamed because no one really cares and you will be amazed how many people you inspire to be themselves just by being real about who you are.
But let's talk about those guilty feelings from past transgressions. We all know the kind. Grab your notepad because we are about to process through your guilt so you can enjoy your life again
Write down all the things you feel guilty about.
1. Accept that these things have happened. You can't change it, what has happened has happened. All you can do is learn from it and move forwards.
2. Forgive yourself. Take a deep breathe and go "I forgive my past self, I do the best I can with what I have and now I know better and will do better in the future".
3. Say I love myself for being myself.
Process through each thing. Look at the guilt, you can't change it, you can just move forward and learn from it. Make a physical symbol that you are forgiving yourself, drawing a line under the guilt and moving forward maybe write it down, say it, dance the letters out. Whatever your process. You do you.
For example
I feel guilty for Letting my friend down by not being there for her when she needed me.
I wasn't there, I couldn't have known, I did the best I could even though I wish I could have done more.
I forgive myself for not being there for her and in future, I try and be there for her more.
I love myself.
Shame.
We touched on this in the last one but Let's Chat About Shame. We all feel ashamed about stuff, I mentioned out secret shameful guilty pleasures but shame can go much deeper than that. What are your biggest disappointments in yourself? What Are You Ashamed of?
Grab the note pad
Write down all the things you are ashamed of cause we are about to cross them off the list.
1. Accept that these things you are ashamed of are a part of your life. They are who you are and you like them and there is nothing wrong with that, maybe some people wont accept them but if it brings you joy, it brings You Joy. Your joy is more important than their approval.
2. Your past transgression that you are ashamed of, they are in the past. Like guilt, you have to move forward, you can't change what happened. All you can do is apologize if needed and move forward. Forgive yourself for your past, you are doing better now. Your mistakes have helped make you Who You Are. Which means, your mistakes that you are ashamed of are a part of you. They kept create you, move you and build you into the person you are because you learned from them. You aren’t perfect, let it go.
3. Own it. Just own it. Your mistakes, your choices, your interests. Be who you are and if it ruffles a feather then it ruffles a feather. But you get to be yourself and you being happy is more important than a few disgruntled people. Don't be ashamed of who you are, take responsibility for who you are, you aren't meant to be perfect, you aren't meant to be somebody else. You are meant to be You.
For example
I am ashamed that I don’t have a high paying job at my age.
If I got a high paying corporate job, I wouldn’t have been able to travel as freely as I have. I wouldn’t have been able to do the things I have done and I wouldn’t have the friends I have. I may not have a high paying corporate job, but the work I do is meaningful and it has given me the life I wanted. I do not conform to societal norms that I should have a job, get married and live happily ever after, I want something different and that doesn’t mean my life is any less of value.
I am proud of my life, my choices and the good I bring to this world.
Loss.
This is the hard one, we have all lost so much in our lives. Friendships, people, identities, pets, favorite shoes, iPhones. We lose a lot of things that mean stuff to us and it gets hard after a while.
I don't need to explain to you what you have lost because you have already visualized what it was that is still hurting so we are going to dive right in.
Grab the notepad.
What have you lost in your life that still causes you grief? Write it down.
So for me, I have always found peace in this:
The love for your loss hasn't gone, it is still within you and although it may be gone, the love you had was real and it doesn't go away. It is like energy and it it reborn in the form of a new love. That love can be found in a new friend, partner, identity, community, animal or even a new pair of shoes (I am very attached to shoes).
For example
I have lost my cat 5 years ago and I still feel that loss in my heart.
But that love was real and although I don't get to see him physically, my love for him is found in my new cats, in the way to express love for him and the way I imagine he would knock things off the counter.
Love is the cure to all so when we feel like we have lost something we love, it hurts. But love is energy and it always come back to those who are willing to open their hearts up and look for a new love.
Now I know, once scorned no one wants to dip their toes back into the pit to be ripped a part again by a ravenous hound. Don't be afraid to open yourself up to love and try again, just be a lot more careful with whom you allow into your zone and don't be afraid, because even if that love goes, there will always be more because you are worthy of love and you love yourself.
That love you have lost, it is still there and it will always be. You are worthy of love, never forget that.
Denial
aka Your Own Bullshit.
Denial, the lies we tell ourselves to make us feel better about ourselves. Need I Say More? We alll like to tell ourselves lies to hide who we really are, underneath. Underneath all of the people telling us who we should be and what we should do, we deny parts of ourselves.
A huge part of this is the stories we tell ourselves, like I am not blah blah or I can't do this because of Blah Blah. We tell ourselves we can't do something and deny ourselves the opportunity to even try because We Told Ourselves We Can't.
You need to accept who you are.
You need to accept that those stories you have been telling yourself aren't actual fact they are just limiting beliefs.
You are Who You Are and you need to actually start expressing it. If you need some inspiration, check out the Entire LGBTQ community, they are who they are and they stopped denying it. How amazing! Don't deny this part of your life, if you are lying to yourself about your own nature, challenge it and own it.
Grab the damn notepad!
What stories are you telling yourself? What part of your life are you denying? What part of your soul are you denying because you are worried what people will think of it?
What are you hiding deep down in that psyche of yours?
Face each one, is it true? or is this something you could learn and work on?
Is this a solid part of your life? Do you feel bad about not expressing it?
Express yourself. I mean right now, announce to the world (aka yourself) that you are going to stop denying this part of your life.
For example:
I can't sing
I can sing, just not very well, in fact it's pretty awful.
But, singing is a skill that can be learned so all I have to do is learnt it and not being able to sing bums be out so I am going to learn to sing because I want to. I am not longer going to tell myself I can't, only that I am getting better!
Sings My Chemical Romance really loudly
Be true to who you are, don't hide it. Life is more interesting when you let yourself out.
Connection
I want to talk about connection. Our lives are made around the connections we make with other people. Our connection to animals, the earth, the sea, our co workers, our connections with our favorite shoes because they took us on really fun adventures.
A key of unhappiness is feeling disconnected. When one of these emotions are prevalent and someone makes you feel afraid, guilty, ashamed of who you are, you feel disconnected and you choose to disconnect to protect yourself.
Another loss of connection is the connection to who you are. When you go through a lot of loss, especially of identities and ideals, you lose that connection to who you are and you feel despondent, lost and alone because you don't even have yourself to hang out with.
Grab the notepad, let's talk about reconnecting with yourself.
1. What are your core values? Who are you? You are a collection of your values, beliefs and experiences. So lets start with what you do believe in and what are your values. Are you living in alignment with them? For more information on finding your core values, link here: https://jadenyxlifecoach.com/jades-blog/core-values-visualisation-and-light
2. Reach out to people you love and trust, people who like you for you. No space for shitty friends here. If someone makes you feel disconnected from other people, reach out for support and your true friends will have your back. Slowly you will learn that their shitty opinions of you wont matter anyway and you can move on.
Isolation is key factor in depression. If you feel alone and you feel disconnected from yourself, depression and struggle will follow. Reconnect with who you are. Reconnect with people you love. Don't make this harder on yourself.
We live to find connections.
And that is the end of the process. I always end a session with the overwhelming knowledge that nothing really matters. Life is fleeting and the universe is ever expanding so there is no time to be ashamed or guilty. There is only learning, moving forwards and doing the best you can. Some of the more spiritual minded people may have noticed that this is really similar to a chakra cleansing, that was the inspiration for this but I have a one foot in the door feeling towards spirituality, I love it but I like to translate it so people who aren't interested in the spiritual community can still benefit from the lessons its teaches. Thank you for taking to the time to read this and I hope it was helpful, if you have any feedback or you feel like you would like more information on a certain part, send me a message, leave a comment, have a chat to me! I intend to do a video series on this so you can follow along with the questions etc.