Welcome to Ghost Jade unofficial Ted Talk on Confidence 101! This was a draft for a book I am still always updating!
I have not always been a confident person, in fact, I have been famously shy most of my life. Confidence was not born to me, I had to earn it or more specifically, learn it. I was that kid in school who would never put their hand up, even if I knew the answer because I strongly dislike attention. It always baffled me how people are seemingly born so confident, even if they aren’t like superheroes. I admire people who fight against the oppression of women's bodies with such a fierce passion. I am here writing this book because of people like Meghan Trainor and Lizzo, women who stood up confidently and defied society. That has always been my aspiration. For me to stand up against society with them and say, Actually No. You can’t take our happiness anymore, I won't let you take the dreams of these young people. They are under my protection now and I won't let you take their confidence like you stole mine.
The second I was old enough, society and the media stripped me of my confidence. I remember feeling so alone, everyone else confident and cheerful and me all alone, the fat failure.
The years flew by and I learned that confidence isn’t born, it is learned. Through people who were brave enough to get pushed down and get up again anyway and keep talking, keep pushing with no assurance that they would be well received. Confidence has never been a born gift, it is just a shield of the fearless. Confident people are fearless and all I had to do was pick up a shield and be brave.
Confidence Vs Arrogance
First thing I want to address is the fundamental difference between confidence and arrogance. It is often presumed that to be confident is to be arrogant. That simply isn't true. Confidence is trust in one's ability to do something and it is built through trial and error and experience. Arrogance is thinking you are better than somebody because you are more skilled than them. Confidence is an attribute, arrogance is an attitude and a bad one at that.
There is nothing wrong with being confident, it's actually necessary to progress in life, you have to take those steps forward and you will be confident in some areas of your life. You can sit and tell me you have no confidence but there is something in your life you feel confident doing. Like taking the bus, brushing your teeth, painting. We are all confident, we just decided one day it was safer not to be confident because to gain confidence is to practice new skills and risk failure and abject humiliation. And we would rather be safe than progress and that is why we are unhappy.
We aren’t built to stagnate, it's not in our nature. We love adrenaline, new shiny and exciting, we aren’t built to live on the safe side of life, that is why we are such a successful species, it's why we are so innovative. It's time to stop playing it safe and step up and accept that you are a confident person, you are just more confident in some areas than not. And for the areas you aren’t strong at (like doing your taxes), doesn’t mean you aren’t confident at all, it just means in that area, you aren’t confident.
The story you are telling yourself that you aren’t confident is causing more harm than good.
Here is the secret formula to growing confidence.
Find what you're afraid of and do it. Over and Over again.
Afraid of what people will think of you if you do something, do it, see how it goes and realise no one really cares.
Afraid of cycling? Go cycling, fall off your bike, get back on.
Confidence is just you failing over and over at something until you aren’t afraid anymore. Simple.
But in the event it isn’t as simple as that, here are some helpful nuggets of wisdom to help you along your journey to confidence.
Nuggets of Confidence
Nugget 1
Don’t give two shits about what anyone thinks of you. I’m being serious. Not your mom, not your partner, not the queen Bee. If you wanna dance in a fountain, you go ahead. If you want to dress like a t rex, you go ahead.
Not everyone is going to like you, in fact, if someone doesn’t not like you, you’re doing something wrong.
Every time someone throws away the idea that they should act a certain way to be accepted, the world becomes a more inspiring place. And sure, you’re gonna offend somebody and sure you are going to inspire somebody and it’s going to be beautiful.
If you want to be confident, shed the lie that you have to be a certain way and you should care what people think of you. People will hate you for you and people will love you for you, the result is that you get to be you, so you are happy and your life may drastically change but it can only change for the better. Don’t change who you are to keep somebody, they either accept you for who you are and who you want to be or they don’t and it's their loss.
Nugget 2
Present yourself with Confidence
Presentation is everything. If you present yourself with confidence, as I have mentioned many times before, your brain will find ways to reinforce the behaviour until it becomes a habit. Act with confidence and your brain will find ways for you to gain it.
Something you may feel is fraud syndrome, feeling like you are a fake. Breathe, you are just acting, like in a play. Don’t lie, just be brave, be loud and don’t be afraid to be wrong.
Nugget 2
Always accept a compliment
Need I discuss this more? Of course! This is so important. It is rude not to accept a compliment! If someone compliments you and you say, “oh no, this old thing or no you are mistaken”. You are insulting their taste. Always say thank you, show gratitude that they went out of their way to find something they liked about you and told you. Say thank you. Full Stop. Then you can blush all you want.
With regards to fake compliments that are intended as backhanded or even insults, always say thank you anyway. Nothing is more annoying to someone trying to insult you than you taking the compliment as it isn’t intended. If someone says a rude compliment, you smile and say “Oh Thank You”, I grew it myself. The more sincerely you accept the unintended compliment, the more hilarious.
Next time someone compliments you, just say thank you. You can blush like a firetruck if you want but say thanks. Because I can promise you, that when you call them crazy for complimenting you, you could be hurting their feelings. I know this because my partner cannot accept compliments and it is irritating. Don’t be a scone.
Nugget 3
See a problem as a challenge
We will talk about this a lot more, happiness is dealing with adversity in a healthy and productive way. Challenges are inevitable in life, to build confidence in ourselves, we are easily shaken by facing adversity and then going, Oh My God, it’s too hard, I am weak and unworthy because I don’t know how to face this problem.
Instead, I want you to look at the problem and say, I CAN DO DIFFICULT THINGS. Visualise yourself headbutting through the problem and say “ This is just a challenge, I am great at overcoming challenges, here are 3 examples in my life where I overcame a difficult challenge. I can do this, I just need to find a way and I relish the opportunity to grow”.
Nugget 4
Avoid criticising others
This is important to our own confidence because being critical spreads negativity. If someone needs some negative feedback like Person is being a dick, needs to be told so, then that is okay. But don’t criticise others for their interests and hobbies, don’t criticise them for who they are and what they do. You just don’t understand them and the less you criticise and start to empathise, the better emotional language you will develop and it will make all of your social interactions more positive.
Nugget 5
Smile and look people in the eyes.
This one is important and the most difficult one for me. I struggle with eye contact because I find the contact overwhelming as it involves looking into their soul and seeing them. But I always make an effort to make eye contact to make people know that I see them and that they are heard and appreciated. If nothing else, looking into people's eyes creates real connection and the more connections you make, the more confident you will be about making more.
Nugget 6
Body posture.
Stand up straighter, walk with confidence, lead with sass.
How you sit, walk and lead is important to confidence. Body language says everything about ourselves to ourselves. I don't want you to do all of these nuggets for anybody else to believe you are confident, we are doing them for yourself. When I am interested and focused in the office my back goes solid straight and my focus is exactly. When I feel sassy in a fierce outfit, my shoulders roll back, I swag a little more and I hold my head a little higher. Replicate that feeling of confidence by adjusting your body to do so.
Nugget 7
Dress with Sass.
Now, I did not think this would be a thing but dressing in clothes that make you feel fierce. That is a powerful asset. If you dress knowing you feel and look great, you have that confidence boost. My favorite outfit that makes me feel fierce and strong is golden makeup, black and gold so it feels like full Body Armour and finally, a power braid. Put on your outfit that makes you feel like a badass, that can be a pink floral dress or a bikini or a burka! Your power is your power. Align it with your life.
Nugget 8
Stand up for yourself. You are treated how you allow yourself to be treated.
This one is deep and not the funnest nugget. It's not so easy to stand up for yourself but, you have to stand up for yourself, your continued allowance of letting someone walk all over you means you are allowing the bad behaviour to happen. Standing up for yourself is terrifying but it is also empowering and most of the time, bullies back down because they don’t know how to handle throwing back. You start to push back, they fold. Take back control of your life and stand up for yourself. If someone is taking advantage of you at work and getting you to do all their work, Say no, report them to your boss, create some waves. The waves of change and start taking back control of your life. Same with a bossy mother-in-law, push back, if they hate you so what, it’s a mutual relationship, don’t be afraid, if anything, you may gain some respect.
Nugget 8
Give Genuine compliments to someone each day
Why is giving someone a compliment gaining your confidence? Because you will receive a compliment in return at some point and I don’t care what you say, it boosts confidence to know your hard work is being appreciated.
It was recently made aware to me that my brother has never complimented anyone because he doesn’t know how and he believes compliments are rewards for good behaviour.
They are not, compliments are expressions of appreciation of someone's act or things of beauty or in general, positivity. So to compliment someone, find something about them that you find pleasing, start with something physical like I like your scarf or nice buns, which bakery did you get it from and then practice more emotional ones like I love the way you make the room light up when you talk or I really like your energy. Complimenting is easy, everyone offers value in some form, just find it and tell them about it.
Nugget 9
Accept your imperfections
Perfectionism. We aren’t perfect, never will be and stop letting it hold you back from practicing confidence. You will never be perfect, so the pursuit of perfection is a waste of time because perfection is a fluid and unattainable construct created by people who just want people to be better. The best in the world at things know they aren’t perfect because there is always more to learn and grow. So get over it and just try stuff.
Nugget 10
A Jade Favourite. Embrace what you love doing and own it, if you step up and own it, confidence follows suit.
Owning what you are ashamed of is where confidence is forged. I used to hide my love for the TV show My Little Pony, like the new one, for children. But one day I started to just own it and say YEAH AND WHAT, FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC. Confidence blossomed. I learnt this lesson from my friend, who is without doubt, the epitome of confidence, he likes what he likes and without hesitation, he will tell you about it. He fears judgement but still he embraces his passion fully and yes, his passion was also My Little Pony. This is why it's the perfect example to use.
Nugget 11
Stop believing you are not ready for something, no one has ever been ready for something. Not even people convinced they are. So embrace this knowledge and use it to your advantage and stop trying to protect yourself. You keep trying to avoid the pain of embarrassment and humiliation by not putting yourself out there at the risk of looking like an idiot. You will never achieve something unless you accept that progress means you have to take a blind step forward into the darkness and look like a pratt. But no one is there laughing at you and if they laugh, you laugh back but harder.
Nugget 12
Don’t take things personally.
I don't take things personally if people don't like me because of three things.
1. Sometimes it isn't about you, you are not the centre of the universe. Sometimes people have bad days and they take it out on you or they just had other things happen. But other people have stuff going on too, 90% of the time I have felt offended or snubbed, there has been a very logical reason and most of the time, it’s because other people struggle too. So be kind and don't take things personally, people aren't perfect.
2. Sometimes it is about you.
Sometimes people are triggered in weird and wonderful ways. Sometimes people just dislike what you believe in and all of these are not on you. You can't control other people, you can't control how they feel. That would be crazy. You can only listen and adjust your behaviour in the future to be considerate to that person. That is the only thing you can control. You can't take something back, you can't change what happened, you can learn, apologize if needed and move forward.
3. It doesn't matter.
If I cared what every single person thought of me, I would curl up in a ball and cry.. forever. Humans are judgemental and not everyone is going to like me, in fact, a lot of people don't but that doesn't matter. Because someone not liking me doesn't affect my self worth. I am good enough, even if people don't like me. I know we have a biological need to be liked but our survival does not depend on it anymore. Since our tribes are so big now, we can't care what everyone thinks of us. We can only care what we think of us, lest you go insane. You don't have to appease anyone but yourself and find validation from within. I know social media has encouraged us to become addicted to social validation but you have to validate yourself, else you will endlessly try and find it in other people and it isn't other people's responsibility to validate you.
Here is an example of what to:
Gary walks up to Anne in a very trendy pink corduroy oversized suit and tell her that what she is wearing is stupid.
She’s offended, of course she is, someone just walked up to her face, judged her and was very rude to her face.
But why did he say that? What provoked him to verbally attack Anne like that? It was an interesting choice in clothing but lashing out at her over it was unusual.
Let’s take a look at Gary, he is going through a bitter divorce, his wife cheated on him and is now taking the kids away from him. He is a man of structure, like things to conform to the social norms. He woke up feeling incredibly alone in the world, looking down into the chasm that is depression and looking forward all he sees is darkness, confusion and disorder.
Do you feel differently about how Gary commented now?
Maybe a little, now that you’ve got some perspective but it is still uncalled for to call her out on her life choices.
So now comes what Anne should do. Everyone has bad days and these interactions happen, sometimes on a daily basis. So how do you handle them?
I'll tell you what Anne did, she was momentarily offended, then remembered this most powerful statement.
It was not about me.
This lesson is golden, it extends to whenever anyone is lashing out at you because they are angry and unappreciated. When your mother or boss is having a bad day and she shouts at you because she’s picked something, just remember it is not about you.
Take a deep breath to control your anger and shock, think, it was not about me and contemplate how they are feeling, what lead them to that outburst. Here is when you should ask are you alright. Most of the time you’ll get a rude remark or get snapped at but if you scratch the surface, you’ll see the person underneath just trying to hold it together.
Do this and you’ll be free. Free from being angry at passive and/or aggressive people all the time, from personal criticism because it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of you, they should love you for you. If they don’t, find someone that will.
The same goes for people that do not agree with you, many people won't. There is a huge need for everyone to agree on one thing and if you do not agree, you are chastised. Try not to be that guy who tells you you’re wrong because you believe in something different. Politely disagree, listen to their points and know that if they don’t want to listen to yours, that is fine, just don’t waste time with them when you could be eating ice cream in Venice.
Stop letting society dictate how you look, how you should feel, who you should be. Society doesn’t give one fuck about you, it just wants your cold hard cash. If you feel fat because society photoshops tiny women, fuck that. If society skinny shames you because you are just petite, fuck that. You are perfect just as you fucking are. You feel me brah? Society wants your dolla bills and uses self hate and worthlessness to extract it from you because it’s more effective. Don’t be hustled.
An unhealed person can find offense in pretty much anything someone does. A healed person understands that the actions of others have nothing to do with them. Each day, you get to decide which one you will be.