“I am okay with being the villain in someone else's story because they are the clown in mine”
Entering your Villian Era is essential for all recovering people pleasers. This is not just parents, it is anyone who will always put others' needs above their own, to the point of self-destruction and self-sabotage. Remember, you are someone too and you deserve to have your needs met too.
We are people pleasers for various reasons but we aren’t here to discuss why you are a people pleaser, we are ready to enter into a new era of self-empowerment.
So my wonderful friend, let's talk about some of the cornerstones of the Villian Era and what you need to consider before announcing to the world on social media that this is your villain era and you will no longer be available to be taken advantage of.
Selfish: This isn’t a bad word.
You are allowed to be selfish, to put yourself first. Everyone else is doing it, why not you? You have been told being selfish is wrong all your life and whenever you try and do one thing for yourself, people laugh, mock, judge, talk you out of it, put you down, belittle, gaslight, or manipulate you. It is like you unpeal your petals and reach for some sunlight for yourself and then someone comes along and sticks an umbrella over you so your flower doesn’t die but it doesn’t thrive. You are stuck in a depressing limbo where whenever you reach for yourself, the world pushes you back down. Your villain era isn’t going to change the world but it will change your world. Instead of letting the umbrella block your sunshine, you are just going to learn to pick up your roots and move away from the idiot who keeps putting the umbrella there.
Saying No: The hardest part
Saying no is the hardest part of the Villian Era, you have spent a lifetime of saying “Yes Of Course Sir, Please allow me to kneel at your feet even though my hands and knees are broken and it hurts but that is okay but you need something”. No is a complete sentence and allowing yourself to say no when you need to or even want to, is a huge deal. Don’t be afraid of it, you are allowed to say no, to take time for yourself, to have that space. If people don’t like it, that is their problem. You are allowed to say No when you need space, time, energy, supplies, the last can of diet cola. You are somebody too.
Saviour: No one is going to save you.
Often we are extra kind and giving and we hold out this hope that people are going to reciprocate. People don’t and holding onto the idea that they will stress you out. It isn’t on them to refill your jug because you hooked yours up to a fire engine to spray as many fires as possible, it is your job to put out the fires that matter, starting with yourself. This isn’t a conscious thing by the way, I know you don’t do kind and selfless things to get things back. But when you are low on energy and you need help, you may hope that someone will come and lift you up, like you have lifted up so many. But that might never come and realising that and taking it onto yourself to save yourself, is a cornerstone of Villan Energy. Self-awareness that you are feeling really hot and you keep spraying everyone around you to put out their fires to cool down only to realise you are the one on fire.
Attitude: I am Worthy and I will Win
If you have watched any movie, all villains have one thing in common, they are driven, they are sassy and they are motivated. They do not tolerate disrespect and they have an attitude and energy to match it. They are self-assured that they are right and they will not be swayed. It is about being steadfast in the knowledge that you are worth something too and you will no longer be available to tolerate anyone's disrespect. You will also no longer allow your boundaries to be crossed and you will also not put yourself down anymore. Villains don’t doubt themselves, villains know their worth.
Inspiration: Find your Villian
This is the best far, find a villain that inspires you because you are allowed to be inspired by Villians. Villains are just people who got sick of the world taking the biscuit and want to enact change to suit their needs. Obviously, that is a spectrum but hey, history is written by the victors. Find your inspiration and embody it, what would Ursula do? Would she care? NO! Did Taylor Swift take being villainized, misunderstood and gaslighted? Did she give up and just serve? No, she came back with an album that took her power back. Inspiration comes from anywhere, find your hero and write them into your story.
Music: Speaking of Taylor Swift
Finding music that makes you feel empowered is a great way to keep your mindset in check. You are a unique wonderful person which means the music that makes you feel like a badass is yours to discover. Personally, I love a bit of Eminem and Cardi B because they embody the Villian Attitude.
Outfits: it isn’t all in your mind, it’s in your energy
This is an odd one I know but if you are going to make this change and embrace your inner badass rage muffin, then you should dress accordingly. Wear clothes that make you feel empowered. Don’t let society dictate what that looks like. If you want to wear all leather, please be my guest but if you also want to wear a 10-year-old band t-shirt and old converses, then do that. Finding your inner villain isn’t about conforming to what the world expects of you, it is about being you, unapologetically.
Boundaries: Your manifesto, your Majesty
You need to decide what it is you want as a villain. What are your lines? Your boundaries? Your goals? What do you need more of? Time? Say no to more activities and people. Support? Say yes to more people, activities where you feel like you are supported. Less trauma? Tell people to get their coconuts outta your life. Decide what it is you need more of, draw those boundaries and enforce them. Your boundaries are your law and if anyone breaks the law for their own self-interest, then they can go to prison, where you don’t have to talk to them. Your life is your kingdom, you are the leader, police force, garbage collector and everything in between. You set the rules, you enforce the rules, and you clean up the mess afterwards.
Q&A
How do I discard the whole being a villain means I am a bad person trope in my head?
Well, for one thing, you aren’t a bad person. Do no harm but take no shit is the life motto you need to adopt. You aren’t being a bad person by standing up for yourself, even if people will make you feel that way. It is okay to be angry, hurt even but it is never okay to be cruel. That is the line to draw to keep you in check from being a misunderstood villain to one of those characters that is just evil for evil's sake and you are like “Oh wow, what a boring villain”. But you are not a boring villain, you are a wonderful and powerful force of nature just waiting to be unleashed.
Change
Once you have all of your cornerstones in place, it is time to enforce them. No battle is won without a plan. A villain without a plan is just a crazy person with a dream.
You draw your plan up, you decide your boundaries, you built your lair with inspiration and then you begin the war.
You say No, you say Yes, you ghost people who treat you like shit.
You cut out things in your life that bring your anxiety, stress, depression and misery.
You embrace the knowledge that you are a villain, you are okay with everyone being angry with you, disappointed in you. Because people who love you, who support you, who want you to be happy, will cheer for your villain era. The people who will lash out are the people who have something to lose from you putting yourself first and they don’t like that. But their feelings and issues are their responsibility, you have one responsibility and that is to you. To your mental health, to your heart and soul, to your life goals and dreams. You don’t owe these people anything, the time for being a pushover is over and the time to rise up and take back your throne is now.
You can do this because, at some point in time, every villain was just a good person who got stomped on too many times. You can be a good person and be a villain and the world will be a better place for it. Not just for you, but for everyone else who gets stepped on, you become a symbol of empowerment and more people take their power back.
Classic you, even when you are trying to give up being selfless and putting yourself first, you still end up helping people. Like I said, being selfish isn’t bad, if anything, the world is better because of it.
You deserve happiness, you deserve to feel like you are not constantly at war with yourself and the world.
You deserve to be heard, accepted, loved, successful and respected.
The world owes you these things but the world does not give it, you have to take it back.
So my friend, get yourself a crown, a weapon and a plan because it is time for you to paint your nails, grab the war paint and thrive.