I want to talk to you about a recently change in my life. This is overtly obvious but I am a massive introvert, give me a book and a cabin and I am happy for years (as long as it was warm). For the past few years I have been pushing out of my shell to make new friends and expand my social circle outside of the ghost of my cat. I was making really good progress (as a traveler, I never made long term friends because they would be gone the next day so to make real connections with people was a big deal).
I always had a lot of reasons not to make friends, I was too fat, I am too weird (at least that one is true!) or people just don't get me. I had a long list of shaming qualities that prevented other people from liking me. But once I settled in one place, I wanted to challenge these preconceptions. I value friendship extremely highly, which means, if you become my friend, my loyalty to you is extreme and deep. I will stand by you no matter what, support you and I will help you where ever I can. You can see how this attracts the sort of friends who use, abuse and throw away, its the perfect combination for toxic people to build their egos on.
So years flicks by, I have made a fair few solid friends and I love them very much and they don't mind that I am a bit overboard and got a little insane at Christmas because they love me for me. But I had a little rock shaken as I lost one of my friends, not to death but to something worse. As our friendship became more unhealthy, it became more intense which meant to leave was all the more devastating. Since then, I struggled to make friends, I withdrew from the new ones I was making and I hid in my cabin with my cat. Friends always come and go, flow through and out of my life but this hurt. Hit me right in my feels and I went straight into my introverted state.
Full Anti Social. Threw myself into my work and my inner circle of friends which was cut in half and I stopped going out, attending social events and in general, communicating with people who weren't in the circle. They are the pillars surrounding my inner sanctum of my life and only the true friends get there and when one was ripped away, it was like the whole structure came down.
As I began to heal and rebuild my pillars, I held a little funeral for my lost pillar and began to process and move forward. Helped of course by my remaining pillars. But eventually, I had to make more friends, I didn't want to derail all my progress into not being a hermit and I missed hosting parties and having impromptu coffees. So I decided enough was enough, it was time to start reaching out and making new friends.
At what point do we decide that it is finally time and we are healed, this took me 6 months and really, its because I wanted to have this socially vibrant life I always craved with real friends around and by cutting my circle down, I was denying this part of my life. Like in the Sims when the social bar is low, I knew I had to engage.
So I threw a party, for the first time in nearly 8 months and it went well. Sometimes coming out of my shell isn't as scary as it may seem. I knew if I didn't push myself, I would never create the life I want. Life is about our connections with people so even as an introvert, I know other people make my days more colorful and fun.
Next on my challenge bucket list is to organize another event.