I hear and say PRACTICE SELF LOVE a lot but to be honest, what does that even mean? How does one even do self love? Is it just vaguely complimenting myself and buying myself some flowers?
Self love isn’t about suddenly waking up and going on look, I am SO IN LOVE with myself, I am the best! It isn’t an on switch that you can just flick, it is a constant journey towards self acceptance and love. Which I find relieving! Don’t you think it’s a bit stressful with all these people saying OH I FOUND SELF LOVE and you are like how?? and they reply with oh I just do now or I just meditated and bought a candle and now I am in love with who I am. Cause I find that intimidating, like I am doing something wrong because I didn’t love myself, like there a lot of pressure to love yourself quickly and perfectly with no direction.
So my friends, we are here to provide some direction so that on your journey to self love, you have some tools in your arsenal. Today we are going to break it down because self love is more than just affirmations! I think it is really important for you to know that it is a journey, it is not a destination. There is no sudden blinding realisation that you are the Gods gift to man, one day you just wake up and realise, you don’t hate yourself anymore and that is enough. It took me a really long time to find love and self acceptance as I never felt like I was important, special or had an value to offer. So I can assure you, no matter how lost you feel, it is possible for you to find self love. It just takes time, practice, reminders and changes to your life.
Practical things You Can Do to Practice Self-Love
First, I want to close your eyes and picture a garden or a grove or a flower bed, whatever floats your boat. Picture the turned over brown earth of someone about to plant and grow flowers or vegetables (again, your choice). This garden is your self, you are going to plant the seeds, water them and take care of them. Make sure they get enough sunlight and stop slugs eating all of your Freesias! This is your garden, no one can plant seeds for you, no one can water your grove, only you can. This is how self love works, it is noone job to love you but yourself.
Picture your garden, design it however you want, with garden gnomes, a bird house, a waterfall, it doesn’t matter! Picture your garden so we can plant the seeds.
Learn your love language
Firstly, you need to learn how to plant seeds and that starts with working how how you give and express love. Did you know there are 5 ways people express love?
Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.
I find this amazing and it is vital to know what your love language is because it is pointless to do activities that you don’t value as love. For example, if like me, you value compliments (words of affirmation), it would be odd for me to offer a gift because I don’t value that. I perceive someone loving me in the form of receiving a complimenting, therefore, I would need to best practice self love by giving myself words of affirmation. This doesn’t mean don’t do the others but once you know what works for you, it really helps. Find out your love language here: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
It is honestly so interesting and can only improve your relationships, especially if you and your friend or partner have different languages. I know I have found myself feeling neglected because someone didn’t speak my language.
Do things for yourself based on that information
Next! Plant the seeds! time to plant the seeds of your garden by actually doing activities based on your love language for yourself! Here are a bunch of ideas to get started!
Give yourself a break
Have patience, flowers don’t grow overnight. Don’t berate nature for not conveening to your schedule, you and your flowers are doing the best you can with the tools that you have. What all this means is, if you are being hard on yourself all the time, constantly telling yourself that you aren’t good enough, it will make loving yourself so much harder. You have to let go of the idea that you are someone else, you aren’t, you are just you. Just you is more than enough. Let go of the idea that you should be better, prettier, thinner, smarter, hotter, richer, more talented. Because it doesn’t matter, you are beautiful, unique and amazing just as you are, you don’t need to be anything other than you are.
You are a beautiful flower. So when those voices in your head come back and say things like You Suck, You Fail, You Aren’t Good Enough. You tell them.
I am doing the best I can with the tools that I have, I am good enough and I might not fully believe it right but I am going to give myself a break and show myself a little kindness. Because I deserve it. Because being cruel and hateful to myself hasn’t brought me the things I want in life, so I am trying a new approach and it is weird and it’s scary but I am going to try.
Because you are fucking dope.
Say No to things you don’t want to do and yes to things you do even if it’s scary
Your garden needs sunlight, if you are doing things that create clouds in your life, they are blocking the sunlight to help your flowers grow. You are a product of your choices and your environment, your happiness and love is a result of that. Make choices that you want to make, ones that make you happy. Stop doing things you hate, with people you don’t like. It isn’t worth it, its making it rain to much on your garden and drowning your flowers. Say NO and make plans to do things you want to do. No shame either, whatever makes you happy, go do it! It can be knitting instead of rowing, binge watching netflix instead of partying, don’t feel shame. Embrace what brings you joy and own it. Here is an example, when I struggle, I watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. (yeah, the new series with the whole Brony thing) because it makes me happy and I Own It. Is it embarrassing? Probably, I was shy about it for a long time but I love it so I watch it.
Stop inviting rain clouds into your life, if you don’t love it, don’t do it. If you want to do something you always wanted to try, ride a motorbike, learn to dance, meditate. Do it. Say no to the clouds and yes to things that make you beam out of your ears! Invite that sunshine into your life!
If it makes you feel unloved, remove it from your life
This is your life. YOURS. I repeat, this is your life. You don’t have the time, the short precious time, you have being alive to entertain people who don’t love and respect you. Because the secret of living is that you don’t owe anyone, if someone goes out of their way to make you feel shitty, remove them from your life. They are a toxic influence on you and you don’t have to have that in your life. It’s not cruel either, sometimes it’s healthier for both of you to be apart. If you want more information, here is another post on removing toxic relationships from your life. This is most effective way to practice self love. Remove the slugs from your garden so they stop eating your beautiful buds!
Record a loving message to listen to when you are upset;
Sometimes hearing our own voice is super weird, but if you talk very concisely and confidently I promise this won’t be as cringy as it sounds!
Make an audio recording of things you specifically need to hear when you are really upset or in a panic. Because I know how I get when I’m upset and the kind of thoughts I’ll have, I know exactly what to say to myself to pull myself out of it as well as all the counter arguments to bring up to cancel out the degrading thinking patterns. To cut through that negative spiral and get right into my heart. I am usually in happy tears at the end of it.
Things I tell myself in my recording; That my brain is probably going a billion miles an hour and I need to stop thinking, relax, and just be. That my emotions are temporary, and I do not need to react to or believe every thought I’m having. To take 3 deep breaths with, to keep going. I remind myself how powerful I am and how my thoughts create my reality. I give myself a mix of tough love (cause I know I need it) and loving encouragement. I remind myself that people have healed themselves and overcome the most severe things and circumstances. That everything will be okay, to not be afraid of the unknown. That my happiness is my own responsibility and that happiness is a choice. That everything is not going to crap, I am not alone. That I can do this, that I love you.
Make a list of all the resources you can turn to
Things that make you happy, bring you comfort, make you hopeful again, make you excited about life and about things to come. Think deeply about the things that will truly shift your mindset and allow you to self-soothe; not solutions other people have thought of necessarily, but things very specific to you.
Some of mine include; a candle lit bubble bath with essential oils, flower petals, and music. Going for a drive with music, getting deep into nature and just existing, a mini trip to a hot spring in the forest, making myself a delicious vegan feast, giving to someone else what I need in that moment such as love, support, compliments, and attention. Watching my favorite shows, cuddling my Shiba Inu puppy, going for a moonlit walk, journaling good things like goals, dreams, plans, what I really want in life, ideas, discoveries, epiphanies, things I am manifesting and also getting out any frustration, stress, or sadness. Keep this list around and open it up when you get upset in any way and lean into the comfort that these resources and things are here for you and thank yourself for making the time to prepare ahead of time ways in which you can make yourself feel so much better.
Become highly aware of your thoughts
Ever have a day that starts out great and then everything after that just magnifies within itself like a rolling snowball of positive events? Our thoughts truly do create our reality! You could apply that to the opposite kind of day too.
When we think better more people will smile back at us, we will see opportunities which we would have usually ignored, we will be more open, we will sing to that song in the car instead of driving angrily with our road rage, things we hope will happen will start to happen like magic, we will notice and attract people who are also choosing to feel good and are on that same frequency, we will heal ourselves on an emotional and physical level no matter the circumstances, we will have more people be generous to us and help us - even strangers! Everything in the day will go good.
We can change the narrative when thoughts start to go south. Practice seeing the good in everything; even when you feel like everything is shit. There is always a way to spin the story. Feel the emotions that arise and process them, but then really self-soothe and end the thoughts on a positive note. Even when things feel like they are falling apart - lie to yourself! Tell yourself everything will be okay, no matter what. The lie becomes more and more believable until it becomes the actual truth.
Support each dimension of your life holistically
Mental, physical, financial, self-growth, career, social, emotional, spiritual, healing, self-awareness, environmental.
I like to look at these and make a pretty little wheel for myself. I put what I personally think is important within each of these life areas and address any that are lacking and also ask why. I love a holistic approach to life and tending to all areas. At first it takes some reminding and cutting through that resistance that will naturally come up, but then you get momentum and are cruising through life with a healthy balance in all areas. Wealth to me is abundance in all areas of life and we all deserve that! To be abundant holistically, as often as we can.
Collaborate instead of compare
Each time we get jealous, compare, or judge, others it is an opportunity to see in what ways we are insecure. Collaborating instead of comparing means to actively, genuinely compliment someone the moment that you start to feel yourself comparing yourself to them, feeling down about yourself because of them, and feeling jealous of them.
It could be their long thick hair, their vagabond lifestyle, their deep and loving relationship, their toned body, even their overall fashion sense or successful business similar to the one you want to start. Whether it is in person, in your mind, or leaving a comment or a private message - try this! It feels so good to share the love and take away that competitive feeling. Don’t compare your chapter 1 to someone else’s chapter 10! Even if you did all the exact same things they did, you would never get the exact same results they may have!
Remember, there is more than enough for everyone, there is no reason to compare ourselves to others in any way. Just because someone else has something doesn’t mean that we can’t have it too; which is what I feel a lot of jealousy stems from. If anything, what we are jealous of is trying to show us the things we want for our own life and that is a good thing! As Drake said, “jealousy is just love and hate at the same time.”
Spend time alone
Spending time alone is a sure fire way to process anything that has not been processed, gain immense amounts of independence and strength, and bring a multitude of healing and clarity into our lives.
If we can truly be alone, we have accomplished something I’m willing to bet 90% of people are afraid to do. Spending time alone is so healthy for us in every way, and there are so many great things to do alone. Travel, see a movie, eat a delicious dinner at your favorite restaurant (maybe with some wine!), take a roadtrip, adventure to a hot spring, go to a new Meetup event by yourself, go out dancing, journaling things out, go into nature, try a new class, go camping, paint, read, write, adopt a doge, and so much more!
Spending time alone cultivates such a deep and intimate relationship with ourselves and it can accelerate the diminishment of any feelings of insecurity, loneliness, confusion, overwhelm, stress, pressure, and a lot other negative emotions. Really enjoy the time alone with yourself; if you love yourself and do something that makes you happy or relaxed, you will never feel alone or lonely.
Thank you so much for reading our Blog Post! This was a Collab with the incredible Sydney. If you haven’t already, check out this beautiful woman on Instagram! She is AMAZING.
