Let's start with the reality of the situation, we are all holding on to shit and not letting it go because how the fuck do we do that??
No one has every logically taught any of us how to let go of things, old relationships, trauma. Instead we sit and replay the what ifs and hurt over and over again, imagining future scenarios with relentless prepping so we don't get hurt again.
Letting go of the moment/ feelings that you are struggling with is different for everybody. We are all unique which means we grieve, process and feel differently. As a result, I can't write a step by step how to guide, you have to write one for yourself. So instead, I wrote a long list of alll the possible things you need to know and things you can do to help process your feelings so you can get back to feeling yourself again.
When I read this, I couldn't help but relate cause this is exactly what I do:
"For me, what ends up happening when I let my mind go down the dark road of rehearsing painful experiences is I began to create a story about myself that typically follows the lines of “I’m not good enough”, “I’m unlovable” and “no one cares about me”. The more I think about it, the more my mind creates space to allow feelings of hurt, anger and frustration to fester and completely ruin my mood. The reality is your thoughts don’t define your value. You are not the summation of your past experiences. Just because something doesn’t work out, doesn’t mean you are now labeled as a failure or you’re incapable of receiving what you desire in life." - SOURCE
How beautiful is that!?
So since there is no official steps to letting things go. Everyone processes loss and grief differently, so never judge yourself harshly for how to you let go. It might be instantaneous or it might take years, whatever your process is, show yourself nothing but compassion and patience. Life is hard and feelings are real. So instead of:
Step 1: Punch a cushion
Step 2: Eat a whole cake
I am giving you important things you should know about when learning to let go and giving you practical things you can do everyday to help the process along.
Here is my System.
I sit, I feel my feelings. I know that when I am angry, I am most likely hurt or sad. So I feel my sadness for a bit.
Then when I am ready, I Journal The Crap outta my head. I have Penzu (a free journaling app) and literally it all comes out. The good, bad and the ugly. Screaming and raging, into the safe space. All the petty comments! Until I feel better.
Then I take a moment to physically practice gratitude. I make instagram posts, I write it down, I draw it out. I express it until I feel better.
Then I go on a walk or run because the endorphins mean I can rage in my head and get it out.
This is my process. I always rely on these as a base and I try to avoid it but the reality is, I don’t feel better until I do. I always make sure to reassure myself during the journaling stage, that I am worthy and other peoples actions aren’t within my control. Sometimes we are the asshole and it’s a great time to write down and work out how you were in the wrong and how to improve for the future. But sometimes, other people are the problem. No matter what happened, I always take responsibility and ask myself what did I do to be here and what can I do in future to improve.
Important Nuggets to Dealing with Letting Go
Understand that it is a process.
You cannot just slam the door and walk off, I realise some personality types can do it and I know it feels like other people can do that to you, while you are sitting there hurting but the reality is, everyone is hurting and the healing process, is just that, a process.
Accept that this has happened to you, it is in the past and it cannot be changed
This is like Step Number 2 in opening your chakras. What has happened to you has happened and it cannot be changed. No matter how much you think about it, re run it through your head and think of every alternative. What has happened has happened. Whether something happened you to you or you were a turd to someone else (we've all been a turd, no shame), it is time to accept that it has happened. Its hard but the process of forgiveness needs to begin and that starts with acknowledging that this has happened. It cannot be changed or altered or taken back. You can only learn from it and move forward, whether that is an apology and correcting your behaviour or walking away.
Understand that not everything is permanent, nothing is permanent.
Nothing in life is permanent not even the act of living itself. We love the idea that things are permanent because then we can feel safe and secure and to know nothing is permanent at all, would make us feel crazy. So I don't mean this in a loopy person with a tin hat in the street way, more in a change is inevitable. You can't control the tides, you can only ride them. Nothing is truly permanent so don't stand there and try and stop one wave with your body when there is an entire ocean sending more. Learn to surf and roll with the punches, change is inevitable and change is your friend.
Compassion, show empathy, see it from their perspective.
This is a great way to deconstruct how you are feeling and release some of the pain. Practice seeing it from their perspective. It isn't just you who is in pain. Practice compassion, empathy and seeing it from their perspective. This can be hard but sitting in their shoes helps take some of the pain away.
#BeKind
This one is controversial depending on who you are and what has happened to you but this is always something I keep in mind. You don't know. You don't know what someone else is going through so be kind. Always. Because you can always smash a sandcastle or journal your your rage. Growth means being the bigger person and knowing that endlessly taking out your pain and rage on someone isn't constructive. Find a healthy way to vent out your feelings that don't cost others.
Everything happens for a reason
This always brings me comfort although I am sure if you are just lost someone, it isn't helpful at all. When bad things come knocking on my door, I always say to myself, bad thing happen for a reason, you just have to find the positive side. Find the silver lining. Sometimes it's hard to find. Like really hard. But this attitude for me is more about having faith that everything will be okay and that is a positive to every negative thing that happens.
Sometimes you don't want to let go because you don't want to accept that it is over
Harsh but true. Sometimes we simply aren't ready to accept that something is over, still clinging on to the hope that it never happened, or you can change it, control it, redo it to get another outcome.
Sometimes you simply aren't ready to admit that it is over and that can hurt. Because it can feel like you are losing all of this love you once had but the thing about love and loss is, love is just energy and one day in the future, it will be reborn in the form of new love.
You will always have the memories, the good times and that love you had was real. But sometimes, life isn't as simple as you wanted it to be.
Forgive them, not because they deserve it but because you deserve to have peace.
This takes courage and strength. Forgiving someone when you may never receive an apology, they may never come around and admit they treated you badly. Instead of resenting them and torturing yourself, practice forgiveness. Thank them (in your head and heart) for the good times you had, the lessons you have learned and the experiences you had together. There were good times and you have grown because of it. Be grateful for your time together. I am not saying forget the bad, I am saying remember the good, learn from the bad and use that information to move forward.
Practical Things You Can Do!
Make the choice to let go.
Letting go, like happiness, is a choice. You have to formally choose to walk down the road of forgiveness and peace. If you can't make the choice, it just means you aren't ready too, you are hurting too much. If you aren't at this stage yet, take some time to really sit in your feelings, feel them, express them in a healthy way, create art with them.
Talk to someone you trust
For some people, this can be your BFF, it can be your family or your partner. Find your person, the one you trust with your feelings, knowing they won't be shared around and just chat to them about what is happening to you and what you are going through. Communicating with people you love and trust is so important when it comes to letting things go.
Learn the grieving process and the grieving process of Anger.
This is another huge topic but I always find knowing the grieving process and understanding it makes me feel like I wont feel like this forever. It can feel like we have been angry forever but there are 7 stages of getting over anger.
For more information on the grieving process: https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/
and the how to process anger, here is another article: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2020/01/12-practical-steps-on-how-to-deal-with-anger/
As someone who doesn’t get angry very often, learning about it was exceedingly helpful because I didn’t enjoy feeling angry and out of control. That is why I wrote an entire article on it and I read it from time to time, calms me down knowing what is happening to me.
Identifying Self Limiting Beliefs
The stories we tell ourselves are the basis of who we are. We tell ourselves we are something and we act accordingly. These beliefs/ stories are the fabric of who we are, so when they are self limiting, they present a real problem. If you have a belief (they come out of the woodwork when you experienced pain, rejection and loss) like I am not good enough because my parents etc or I will never be good at this because I have never been that before. These beliefs are ingrained in who you are and you keep telling stories to yourself about it. But they are just stories and you can rewrite them. So next time you hear a self limiting belief like I am not good enough because someone rejected me, rewrite your story. tell yourself you are good enough regardless of another person’s opinion.
Process Your Feels
This is an entire blog post in itself but trust me (and I say this cause I am THE QUEEN of ignoring my feelings and soldiering on) take the time to process your feelings or you will get nowhere. It will just keep floating around in your head, making you sad.
I have mentioned this a few times but processing your negative feelings in a healthy way is important to maintaining a good relationship with yourself and with others. This is a healthy way to do it.
Here is a process to help you get rid of all the negative energy/feels from your head and our of it so you feel fresh and ready to take on the world!
Blog post is here for you: Blog Post
Carrying around negative feelings is optional, even if it doesn't feel like it is. You can work to remove them. Just picture yourself carrying a backpack and you are filling it with big heavy rocks of Loss, Guilt, Shame, Fear, Disconnection. You can carry this bag if you want, but it is easier to climb the mountain of life without them.
Let go of your expectations
This one is hard for me but it has to be done. We have expectations.
- of how we want other people to be
- of how we want things to turn out
- of what we wanted to achieve
- expectations of ourselves
You need to understand that these aren't always in your control, you can't control any of this. Life is messy and things don't always work out the way that you want. Accepting that you can't control any of this and releasing the expectation is freeing. Just acknowledge that you had this idea and it didn't play out and that is fine. Life isn't perfect and it can't be choreographed to perfection. We are all stumbling down a rocky path doing the best we can with the tools that we have and sometimes, it just blows up in your face.
And that's okay!
Control what you can control
I say this so much I know I do but this another instance we need reminding. We cannot control other people, how they view us or if they even like us. We can't control how they act, how they feel or what they choose to do with their life.
We can only control yourself and our reactions. So if you are frustrated that someone isn't doing, seeing or thinking of things from your perspective or doing things the way you want them too. Just remember you can't control them.
Stay off Social Media
This one of me was a big nugg. Social media is wonderful but it can also be incredibly toxic. Especially if you are trying to move forward and let something go, being constantly reminded of it can be really really tough. Take a break from social media and spend some time in your real life. Unfiltered and ever more spectacular! If you do need to stay on social media, clear up your feed a bit, hide all the stuff that makes you feel triggered and follow a bunch of great positive channels. Personally I have a seperate instagram so if I do need some social media time, I have a channel that is only filled with things I love. Crystals, cats, travel pics, body positive quotes, art, delicious vegan snacks and of course, seals!
Self Care
What a surprise, here we are again at the self care station, where we are normally asleep on the train because we prioritized everything else and now we are exhausted so we miss our station.
Set an alarm.
Get the fuck off onto the platform and take care of yourself.
Put yourself first, take time out just for you.
Feed yourself good food.
Read material that makes you happy and helps you grow as a person.
Do things that make you feel beautiful and relaxed.
Take a break.
Take care of your damn self like you would take care of a child. Give yourself unconditional love, good food, attention and play time. Most of all, stop yourself doing stupid shit like texting an ex or sticking your fingers in a plug socket. That's your job as the parent now!
Journal
Journal out those feels. As someone who is non confrontational, I do not like to express my negative feelings out loud to other people. With journaling, it is like a safe space to get it all out of your head so you don't dwell on it or wind yourself up into a rage. If you are angry, rant it allll out. Smash the keyboard or write in a physical book but use it as a tool to face your feelings in an environment that you feel safe.
Better yet, use this time as a reflection from the whole experience you have endured.
What did you learn from this experience? How can you apply it in future to avoid the same situation?
Keep Busy
Do thing you want to be doing that make you feel happy and are fun.
Don't use this as an excuse not to process your feelings, I know cause I do it ALL the time! This is for when you have sat with your feelings and you are feeling ready to take on the day a bit!
Something I struggle with a lot is FOMO, seeing other people having fun without me drives me coconuts! Not because I am envious that I wasn't invited but because I want to be having fun! When it came to letting go of pain, I found that keeping busy and doing things I loved served to purposes.
1. I was doing all this fun shit that made me happy
2. There was no FOMO cause I was too busy having fun all by myself.
If you are struggling to think of something fun to do, don't worry, been there too! Try new stuff. Stuff you have always wanted to try but you are a bit afraid. Like if someone you know keeps inviting you to try this weird new dance class but you've been too nervous. Do it. Take a deep breathe and book a class in something new that looks fun. I know when depression comes knocking, it can be hard for anything to seem fun. But that is where you go back to your old hobbies, like drawing, walking, crafting, creating! If in doubt, learn a new skill that is creative. Even the most logical people I know have a creative outlet, I have a friend who makes knives.
Count the blessing and practice gratitude
I say this over and over and over again but Gratitude is the cure to pain. Grab a pen, open your secret instagram, open your journal or just sit by a window with a cup of tea and list all the things you are grateful for. It can take just 3 things or you can list 20 things but you will eventually always come to this place of rest and safety. Because letting go of pain can be hard but knowing that you aren't along and you have a beautiful life around you is reassuring that the world isn't ending.
Move
I always suggest this cause obviously, Jade the adventurer uses exercise to heal. I don't mean just go to the gym, I mean do yoga, take up a fun sport, something active that you enjoy for fun rather than you do just to be fit or lose weight. Hikes, watersports, skiing, skateboarding, jungle gyms, baseball in the park! Get out into nature and try something new which brings us to...
Get Into Nature
Go for a walk in a forest, swim in a river, face bash the sea waves, play in a muddy puddle, picnic in the park, dance in the rain. Nature hoovers up pain.
Build up your own self esteem
It is likely your self esteem has been damaged, if you feel like it has taken a hit if you are here trying to let go. Take some time to build up your own self esteem. Once you rely on yourself for validation and not externally, you can become unstoppable. Take some time to remember all the times you succeeded, all the good parts you like about yourself, all you have overcome and all you want to become.
The Rage Burn
I call this the rage burn because it is super therapeutic and not 100% relevant for all but that is why this is a pick your own list. Write down all your feelings and burn them on a fire, in fact, burn all the things that don't bring you joy or just bring you painful memories. All on the fireplace. Totally fun and it may not be for everyone but it is always good to have in the arsenal. This is my go to with my Mother. She is struggling. TO THE FIREPLACE WE GO!
Live in the moment
Yes I know, I hear this too and I am like.. What does that even mean. I know for me, it’s not something I am great at because I live in the future, the next thing, the potential outcomes!
I did see an amazing post literally yesterday!
If you feel: Depressed, angry, hateful, sad, regretful or ask why me? You are living in the past
If you feel: Inner peace, bliss, joy, love, calm, content, grounded and connected to the now, you live in the present
If you feel: Anxious, pressured, stressed, overthinking and plagued with what ifs, you live in the future
I only just learned what it feels like to live in the moment and that is when I am sat on my SUP on a sunny day in the flat waves. That pure peace, I'm sure the feeling parents get when their baby is just sleeping serenely or when you take a bite out of the worlds best donut. But we all need to live in the moment more because it is the only time that time feels like it stops. We all need that peace in our ever increasingly chaotic lives.
So take some time so do something that makes you feel like time stops. Like nothing else matters, just you and the moment you are in now. If you don’t know where to go or what to do, just think, if you could do anything right now, what would it be. Free from judgement. It could be getting on a plane, binge watching tv with cheetos, dancing and singing in the living room, hugging your best friend. If you take a second to ask, somewhere in your brain will whisper the answer, you just have to listen and be brave enough to do it.
And finally,
The most important statement I have ever read when it comes to letting things go is: You may never get an apology, you may never receive closure so forgive them anyway for yourself and forgive yourself, you didn't know any better. You cannot change what has past, you can only learn from it and let use it to grow as a person and let go of the past. You don’t need to carry it around with you anymore.
Life is hard and messy and its out of our control. But no matter what, you are still a person who is worthy of being loved. The secret is to make sure that you have love for yourself. People will try and take that from you by reminding you how you aren’t good enough in THEIR OPINION. But opinions are subjective and personal. You can’t please everyone so be yourself and do you. You will lose people and you will be here like, how do I deal with this loss? Why aren’t people happy that I am happy and love myself?
People are complicated but never allow their negative voice rent out an apartment in your head.
Just be you and love yourself, make yourself happy.
And if people don’t like it. Fuck Em.
Sources:
https://www.tonyrobbins.com/mind-meaning/the-power-of-letting-go/
https://www.positivityblog.com/let-go-less-pain/
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-let-go-and-feel-less-pain/